I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
