My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
