i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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