It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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