Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
