I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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