dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
