what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
