Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
