Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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