I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
