dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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