I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
