The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
