I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she smelled like a LAN party
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
