Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We talked him into tasing himself.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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