Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
