Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
