I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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