Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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