508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
