There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
