Just cropdusted the office
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
