You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize