yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
