I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
