if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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