Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
