You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
