he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
