The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
