I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize