Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize