I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you win again, gameday.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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