if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
