i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
