Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
