I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
