we're chasing vodka with high fives
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I need moral support for this bender
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
