my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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