White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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