He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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