My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
