I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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