I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
