i barfeds in our rink
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize