The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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