Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
