We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
