Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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