Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
