i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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