so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Damn victory sex feels great
Lo siento on account of my penis...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
