okay pat passed out under dana's car
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
