Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
