if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
