You can't special order awesome
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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