I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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