she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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