he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
3 2 1 whiskey
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
