Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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