Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
