Moan for me like Helen Keller
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
