You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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