Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I want to fling myself into the sun
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
