I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
