woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
