i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
