Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
